Cadence (Talking To Myself)
ca·dence (‘kādns): a modulation or inflection of the voice; a modulation in reading aloud as implied by the structure and ordering of words and phrases in written text; a fall in pitch of the voice at the end of a phrase or sentence; rhythm.
Cadence (Talking To Myself) chronologically follows a train of thought in the form of text-to-speech notes on an iPhone. Save for punctuation and spelling, these notes are unedited. The final format is a zine that combines writing and photography to create a portrait of a late-night existential crisis following a stoned orgasm.
The zine will be printed in an edition of 30 and released in August 2019. It is currently available for preorder.
The come down from this orgasm has been really emotional. Space. Backspace. Fuck. OK. I don’t know, I was thinking about how there’s this whole side of me that I feel like nobody in the life that I’m curating for myself right now has seen or understands, and I feel like there’s a lot of people that I haven’t opened up to that I started to open up to tonight and I’m really proud of myself for that. But I also keep thinking about how, like, I’ve only recently taught myself to start having orgasms and I feel like it’s because I’ve never been able to relax during sex with anybody really ever; like, if you really think about it there’s like very few instances that I’ve been able to achieve that with somebody else and ironically one of the times that I achieved that was with a woman and not a man so I don’t know what that says. It’s funny; I don’t know. I keep idealizing this person in my head and keep having to talk myself down and be like “this person is not everything that you’re making them out to be in your head. You do this to people, like, you idealize people and then you open yourself up to these people and that’s why you’ve gotten hurt so many times and it’s unfortunate that you’re cycling back to thinking that way because it’s actually been very reductive for you and you’ve had your guard up for a long time like despite how happy you are right now?” Like, I’m very satisfied with my life. I don’t feel like there’s anything that is really lacking except intimacy and that’s been really difficult to achieve lately because of, like, the way that everything that’s happened to you in the past has made you perceive and think about intimacy and made you think about taking up space in the world and feeling like you have to apologize for everything and feeling like you can’t take up space because your thoughts and your feelings are not valid.
At once I am talking to myself and talking out loud.
I come because I want to.
And it's never been about what I wanted, ever, until now.
Do I use Hey Siri because I’ve lived alone for two and a half years now and I just long for another human voice sometimes?
Make it into a book where each note is a new page.
Everything is the same train of thought but it's interrupted.
God, my neighbors must hate me.
“What a rich timbre your voice has.”
If there is such a thing as not having cadence whatsoever, I feel like my voice while I am high exemplifies that. (Look up what the word cadence actually means so you don’t look stupid.)
I can feel it developing. How long does this go on?
It’s really really funny how I masturbated so that I would fall asleep and now I am awake and this is happening to me right now.
I think I just accidentally stumbled on a title that is longer than a Panic! At The Disco song title.
What even are tangible results?
Why do I so regularly quote obscure things that only I find funny?
I wish you could draw a perfect shapes in these notes the way you can in, like, Illustrator or InDesign. Because then I could have a perfect triangle instead of the shitty triangle that I am about to draw.
What an anxious catharsis.
Oh my god; oh my fucking god.
Also available for view on Issuu.